When You’re Tired of Holding Everything Together: How Online Therapy Can Help
You might look like you're coping.
You go to work. You look after the children and/or pets. You answer the messages. You remember the appointments, organise the holidays, keep the household running and somehow manage to be there for everyone else. From the outside, you might seem capable, reliable and even quite organised.
But underneath it all, you are exhausted.
You might be constantly thinking about what needs doing next. You struggle to switch off. You feel guilty when you rest. Your mind doesn't seem to stop, even when your body is desperate for a break.
Perhaps you are anxious, overwhelmed or increasingly disconnected from yourself.
And you may be wondering:
"Why am I struggling when everything looks fine?"
This is something I hear from many of the adults I work with in therapy.
Often, they have spent years being the person who copes, the one who is responsible, depandable or/and doesn’t make a fuss!
Until eventually, something starts to change.
You can't keep pushing in quite the same way anymore.
When coping stops working
Sometimes we don't notice how much we have been carrying until our usual ways of coping stop being enough.
You might find yourself:
feeling exhausted even after sleeping or taking time off
constantly worrying or overthinking
struggling to relax without feeling guilty
becoming more easily overwhelmed or emotionally reactive
finding it difficult to say no
putting everyone else's needs before your own
feeling responsible for how other people feel
being extremely self-critical
feeling like you are never doing enough
struggling with perfectionism
finding it difficult to ask for help
feeling disconnected from yourself or the things you used to enjoy
experiencing recurring difficulties in relationships
feeling anxious about disappointing or upsetting people
wondering who you are underneath all the roles and responsibilities you carry
Sometimes there isn't one obvious reason for all of this.
There may not have been one huge event that caused you to feel this way.
Instead, it can be the result of years of adapting, coping, performing, achieving, caring for others and putting your own needs somewhere near the bottom of the list.
"But I should be able to cope"
One of the things that can make asking for help difficult is the belief that you should be able to manage.
You might tell yourself:
"Other people have it worse."
"I just need to get myself together."
"I'm being dramatic."
"I have no reason to feel like this."
"I'll feel better when things calm down."
But sometimes things don't calm down.
There is always another deadline, another school issue, another family responsibility, another problem to solve.
And eventually you may realise that waiting for life to become less demanding isn't really a plan.
Therapy can offer somewhere to pause and look at what is actually happening underneath the constant coping.
What is high-functioning anxiety?
The term "high-functioning anxiety" is commonly used to describe people who experience significant anxiety while continuing to function outwardly.
It isn't a formal diagnosis.
You might still be going to work, meeting deadlines, looking after your family and keeping up appearances while internally experiencing constant worry, tension, self-doubt or overwhelm.
Sometimes anxiety actually becomes hidden behind being highly organised, productive or responsible.
You keep doing more because doing more temporarily gives you a sense of control.
But eventually, the cost can become exhaustion.
This is one reason why therapy isn't only for people who are visibly struggling.
You don't have to reach breaking point before you are allowed to ask for support.
Why do I keep putting everyone else first?
People-pleasing can sometimes look like kindness. You might genuinely care deeply about other people.But there is a difference between choosing to be caring and feeling that you have to keep everyone happy.
Perhaps you find yourself:
saying yes when you really want to say no
worrying about how someone will react to your boundaries
avoiding difficult conversations
apologising even when you haven't done anything wrong
feeling responsible for other people's emotions
changing yourself to fit what other people need
feeling guilty when you prioritise yourself
struggling to know what you actually want
These patterns can be deeply rooted.
They aren't necessarily something you can simply stop doing because someone tells you to "set better boundaries".
In therapy, we can become curious about where these patterns came from and what they have been helping you manage.
What does trauma-informed therapy actually mean?
Trauma-informed therapy doesn't mean that you have to identify yourself as having experienced "trauma".
It means recognising that our experiences can shape the ways we relate to ourselves, other people and the world around us.
Sometimes the things that cause us difficulty today once helped us cope.
Being hyper-independent may have helped you feel safer.
Being extremely alert to other people's moods may have helped you avoid conflict.
Keeping everyone happy may have helped you maintain important relationships.
Perfectionism may have helped you feel more in control.
Disconnecting from your feelings may have helped you get through something that felt too much at the time.
Rather than judging these responses as "bad habits", trauma-informed therapy looks at them with curiosity.
What is this response trying to do for me?
What is it protecting me from?
Does it still need to work this hard?
This can create a very different relationship with yourself.
Instead of constantly asking, "What's wrong with me?", you can begin asking, "What has happened to me, and why does this make sense?"
How can online therapy help?
Online therapy can be a particularly helpful option if travelling to appointments feels difficult, if you have a busy life, or if you simply feel more comfortable talking from your own space.
I offer online therapy for adults across the UK via Zoom.
You don't need to live near Bexhill-on-Sea to work with me.
You could be in London, Manchester, Bristol, Brighton, Edinburgh or somewhere much further away. If you're based in the UK and online therapy feels like the right fit for you, we can meet remotely.
For some people, being at home can make therapy feel more accessible.
There's no journey to the therapy room and no need to sit in traffic or rush across town after work. You can have your session in a familiar environment and give yourself a little time afterwards before returning to everyday life.
Of course, online therapy isn't right for everyone. But for many people, it provides a flexible and private way to access counselling.
What happens in online therapy?
There isn't a standard conversation that everyone has in therapy.
Your reasons for coming will be personal to you.
Perhaps you want help with anxiety.
Perhaps you're burnt out and don't know how to slow down.
Perhaps you're struggling in a relationship.
Perhaps you've spent years putting other people first and have lost touch with what you actually need.
Perhaps something from your past continues to affect you, even though you thought you had "moved on".
Or perhaps you simply know that something doesn't feel right anymore.
My approach is integrative, relational and trauma-informed.
This means I draw on different therapeutic approaches depending on what is helpful for you, rather than expecting you to fit into one particular model.
We might explore attachment, relationships, patterns of behaviour, emotions, the body and nervous system, self-criticism or difficult past experiences.
I also use parts-informed work, drawing on ideas from Internal Family Systems (IFS), without expecting therapy to follow a strict IFS model.
The relationship between us is an important part of the work too.
You don't need to arrive knowing exactly what you need to talk about. You don't need to explain everything perfectly. And you don't need to perform being "a good therapy client".
What if I'm not sure whether I need therapy?
You don't need to have a diagnosis to seek therapy.
You also don't need to be in crisis.
Sometimes the reason for starting therapy is simply:
"I don't want to keep feeling like this."
If you have been functioning on the outside while feeling exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed or disconnected underneath, that is enough of a reason to pause and explore what is happening.
Therapy isn't about fixing something that is "wrong" with you.
It can be a space to understand yourself more deeply, make sense of your experiences and begin to notice patterns that you may have been living with for a long time.
Online therapy for adults across the UK
I offer online counselling and psychotherapy for adults aged 18+ across the UK, as well as face-to-face therapy in Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex.
I work with people experiencing difficulties including:
anxiety and chronic stress
burnout and emotional exhaustion
low self-worth and self-criticism
perfectionism
people-pleasing and difficulties with boundaries
relationship difficulties and recurring relational patterns
trauma and the impact of difficult experiences
attachment-related difficulties
grief and loss
depression and low mood
life transitions and changes in identity
neurodivergence, including ADHD, autism and AuDHD
masking and the exhaustion that can come with it
feeling disconnected from yourself or your needs
Many of the people I work with are thoughtful, responsible and self-aware.
They may have already spent a lot of time trying to understand themselves.
What they often need isn't another list of things they should be doing.
They need somewhere they can stop for a moment.
A place where they don't have to hold everything together.
A relationship where they can be themselves, explore what is happening underneath the surface and begin to understand their experiences with more compassion.
You don't have to wait until you completely fall apart
If you've been thinking about therapy for a while, perhaps this is your sign to explore it.
You don't have to know exactly what you need.
You don't have to have the right words.
And you don't have to be certain that therapy will work before you make contact.
I offer a free 15-minute introductory call by Zoom or phone. It's an opportunity to briefly talk about what's bringing you to therapy, ask any questions and get a sense of whether working together might feel like a good fit.
I offer online therapy across the UK, alongside in-person counselling in Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex.
If you are tired of constantly holding everything together, please reach out. Sometimes the first step is simply having somewhere to put it down.