Relational Trauma: What It Is and How Therapy Can Help
When people think of trauma, they often imagine a single painful event - an accident, a loss, or a crisis. But trauma is not just about what happened. As Dr. Frank Anderson, a leading voice in trauma therapy, explains: “It’s not the event itself that causes trauma, but whether we had someone there to keep us safe when it happened.”
This perspective helps us understand why two people can go through the same experience and have very different responses. If we have someone by our side - someone attuned, protective, and comforting - our nervous system can process the experience more easily. But when no one is there to help us feel safe, our system becomes overwhelmed. That’s when trauma takes root.
What is Relational Trauma?
Relational trauma develops in the context of our relationships - especially in childhood, when we are most dependent on others for safety and care. It can happen when:
A caregiver is emotionally unavailable or unpredictable.
Our feelings are dismissed, minimised, or ignored.
We grow up in an environment where love feels conditional.
We are left to face painful or frightening experiences alone.
In these situations, the injury is not just about what happened but about who wasn’t there to help us through it.
How Relational Trauma Affects Us as Adults
Relational trauma can quietly shape the way we see ourselves and others. Many people notice patterns such as:
Struggling to trust or rely on others.
Feeling unworthy, “too much,” or “not enough.”
Perfectionsm, people-pleasing, avoidance, addictions
Difficulty regulating emotions, especially in close relationships.
A deep sense of loneliness, even when surrounded by people.
These patterns are not signs of weakness - they are protective strategies our younger selves developed to survive.
How to Recognise Relational Trauma in Your Own Life
Relational trauma doesn’t always show up as clear memories of “something bad that happened.” More often, it’s felt in the everyday struggles of how we relate to ourselves and others. You might notice it if:
You often feel anxious or on edge in relationships, even when nothing obvious is wrong.
It’s hard to believe that people truly care about you, or that you are worthy of love.
You find yourself either clinging tightly to others or pulling away to protect yourself.
Deep down, you carry a sense of emptiness, loneliness, or never quite belonging.
You feel guilty for having needs or asking for support.
These experiences can be confusing, especially if you can’t “point” to a single event that explains them. That’s because relational trauma is less about one moment and more about repeated experiences of not feeling safe, seen, or supported.
Healing from Relational Trauma
The good news is that relational wounds can be healed within safe and supportive relationships, including therapy. Healing often involves:
Safety and trust – experiencing a consistent, reliable relationship.
Witnessing and validation – having your feelings truly heard and understood.
New experiences – learning, over time, that closeness and connection can be safe.
In therapy, we don’t erase the past, but we can help your nervous system and inner world rewrite the story: you are no longer alone, and support is available.
How IFS Therapy Supports Healing Relational Wounds
Often, relational trauma leaves behind parts of us that still feel lonely, unseen, or unworthy. Other parts may step in to protect us by keeping people at a distance, shutting down emotions, or always trying to please others. In IFS, all of these parts are welcomed with compassion and curiosity.
Through this process, you learn to:
Build a caring inner relationship with the parts of you that were hurt.
Soften protective patterns that no longer serve you.
Experience your Self - the calm, compassionate core inside you that can bring healing to your inner system.
This inner work mirrors what was missing in earlier relationships: the presence of someone who is steady, safe, and attuned. Over time, therapy provides both an external relationship (between you and your therapist) and an internal one (between you and your parts) that restore trust, safety, and connection.
Healing relational wounds through IFS doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means transforming your relationship with it so that you can step out of survival mode and into deeper, more fulfilling connections with yourself and others.
Trauma Therapy in Bexhill and Online Across the UK
If you recognise yourself in this description, please know that you are not alone. IFS - informed therapy can provide the safe, compassionate space that may have been missing before.
I offer trauma therapy in Bexhill-on-Sea and online across the UK and worldwide. If you’re curious about how IFS therapy can support your healing from relational trauma, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you. Feel free to get in touch to see how therapy might help you move from surviving to truly living.